"B4" You Get to The End

Something made me sit at the table where I found my life on a BINGO card...blocks filled in for good or bad from the past....and some blank ones signifying there is a future yet.

I have the feeling this is going somewhere new...off to yet unexplored territory.  BINGO is a cheap game with significant results if luck or providence dealt the best card...or if the caller happens to reach in the rolling drum and picks out the right numbered markers...or maybe both.

First I found I was growing dull.  Having trouble setting goals, managing time.  Never quite pleased at the reflection in the mirror.  Questioning my worth, purpose, and attractiveness. BTW, has God changed...things don't work together like they used to. Ever happen to you? Of course I know the answer...we all go through these cycles of life. Usually, it means we are very tired. And that is exactly where I am...lots of unfamiliar trials the past several months...new territory where I've never been before.

In fact, "new territory" is the name of the game in growing old! At all the other stages of life, there were commonalities to past experiences and it appeared that the future held more of the familiar.

But I am unfamiliar with everything about growing older.  My body changes monthly.  My powers of concrentration eb and flow.  Goal setting becomes a mysterious curiosity.  Being productive is often out of my grasp of understanding...what is 'productive' when there is no career?

There were supposed to be markers along the way when I got old...like kids birthdays which would help me to guage my own maturity.  And the happiness of continuing hugs and messy kisses as children from decade to decade continued to come along, offering the joys of childhood without the hassles of responsibility...grandparents can send them home.  And anniversaries...WOW...35th, 40th, 50th and on...WOW!  We made it!  But we didn't.  Death came.  Divorce divided.

Where's the long string of memories of happy little feet pattering and screams and yelps as Christmas gifts were opened and gifts thrown aside in the excitement of opening the next one? Where are the photos of all the anniversaries showing the slow progression of our aging together...more and more bonded by the year? And the faith thing...that's the most challenging.  I feel completely out of place in organized religion when I thought it was what I would hold on to.  Too old and alone. This is a very discouraging marker.

Well, I could go on and on.  So, the necessity of the aged is to grasp what in the world was it all worth anyway?  Is this all there is?

Yep! BINGO!  Like the little empty squares on a Bingo card, so are all the years gone by, as the Caller shouted "B-4!"  Before (B-4) aging grows maudlin for those without strong family units, it's best to fill in all the past blanks with happy realities....isn't that what's most important...the reality that life really was pretty good so far.  So easy to get bogged down in the loneliness and the failures.  Aging does draw me back to reality when I have my pity parties. So, call that one, Mr. Caller...the one that says 'experience.'

Let the Caller sing his song...verse by verse...

"B-4"  Family...What a wonderful, pleasant, secure, happy childhood life gifted to me!  Long driving vacations from Arkansas to California every year of my youth!  A true privilege in those years!  The laugher and love of family brought together with sights to see and stories to tell and cold plunges into the river at Yosemite as well as stifling heat in visits to Death Valley.

"G-16"  Discovery...then there was Disneyland, Hoover Dam, glittering Las Vegas where newspapers could be read on the street at midnight, the eeriness of Carlsbad and the thousand creepy bats that fascinated adults and scared me.  And tall, majestic redwoods, snowball fights in the California mountains in mid-July, and a forest already petrified.

"N-32"  Home...A lovely home in a small town that now, 50 years later, is referred to to as "The Porter Home", though several lived there before us.  What a showplace Mom made of it...stripping the old walls all the way down to the wood of which they were made (no sheet rock!)...watching the laying of new wallpaper and cheesecloth on the old walls...fascinating stuff as the house came alive...and just in time for sister's beautiful wedding reception!  Pink everywhere...our dresses; the walls and brick fireplace; the cake.  

"I-70"  Change...A wonderful relocation to Little Rock, where I became all I could be at 17.  PURE JOY!  We were treated more maturely by the faculty at LRCHS...and we behaved that way too...handsome, tall guys in slacks and dress shirts and girls in dresses and stacked heels.  WOW! What a difference 50 miles can make in a teenaged girl's life!  My life opened up and I loved both fitting in and sometimes choosing to be incognito among my 740 classmates (over 2000 in the building)  Opportunity, opportunity, opportunity!  I could date freely without someone trying to steal him; I was free of petty jealousies; and new friends were met weekly...so many decisions to make with such a menu of choices for exploration.  WOW...a highlight in my life for sure!

"O-54"  Dreams...Then there was college...a fairly prestegious private college with very high standards for studies and personal goals.  And I was so lucky that Dad and Mom were willing to sacrifice to get me there and pay for it.  What an undeniable blessing that they were left with no debt on graduation day...because I got all the new clothes and extra money for those 4 years.  And I met the love of my youth and married him. Other ways of being LOVED in my perfect little private world.

"B-8"  BINGO!!!!  OH. MY. GOSH!!!  I can't even tell it all!  There's so much, much, much more!!!

Life has been so good to me!  

Satisfaction should shine like the silver ribbons begining to show in my brunette hair.  Yes, aging is a challenge...and though my memories lack so much of that of the typical American woman's life...mine are wonderful too.  The grown up years included...filled with the love of a great husband who's sensitivies demonstrated a very keen understanding of who I was.  To this day, the confidence he gave me lives on.  I know I know how to love a man.  And others.

So come on Caller...I hope the playing card I was dealt was printed on 11 x 14 paper and has a lot of empty spaces yet to be called.  I'm determined to fill them in with happiness and contented times.  I'll love my sweet man and encourage whoever I can.  When the last call is made, I hope I just collapse at the table or along the walk home.  

As to faith, well it still challenges me.  I, who once stood in church podiums and before Sunday School classrooms and Womens' Retreats, speaking of faith, am now faith challenged.  God isn't exactly who I thought, walking in faith isn't exactly what I thought, success and failure don't come from exactly where I thought, and I wonder when I'll know I've arrived at some semblance of faith understanding.

Come, O Faith...find me B-4 its too late.  We have a few blanks to fill in.

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