How High Does This Thing Go?

Loving someone in the golden years is a bit confusing. Love is different. We love everyone at our age.  My biggest struggle is my deep, deep desire to find where the exclusivity can exist.

My college sweetheart proposed to me as we crossed Race Street in Searcy, AR on our walk to Sunday night church services...with the simple words, "Will you?"  Love was so gentle, passionate, exclusive...there was no doubt what he meant, though he might have used those very words to respond to a pretty waitress or friend to whom he was conversing about anything.  [BTW, it was a moment that stopped traffic!  :) ]

Similarly, there was a difference in how he looked at a volumptuous, flirtatious woman we might have encountered out in public together.  In fact, he might have walked into a wall while admiring her 42 DDD boobs.  But his eyes sparkled only when he was looking at me (32 AA boobs back then)!

And then there was the language of love.  Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, etc., all words men use to speak to women of any age and in any circumstance.  But very exclusive when spoken by the masculine voice to the one he loves...there's just a difference.  What an important difference!  And it comes naturally through love.

So where is exclusivity in the love of old age that is surrounded by opportunities to love and support so many others?

There is a duality in the answer as I understand it....which is troublesome only when it becomes ambiguity. 

First of all, one has to accept that love in the higher levels of maturity just isn't as exclusive in as many ways....we just care so much about people.  We want everyone to be happy...healthy...wealthy...fulfilled...and we want them to like us back.  We want peaceful times with friends and support so we're not alone in the challenges of growing old.  And when understood, this is encouraging to both sides of couplehood...it even seals further the bond between two people, to care about others together.  The exclusive nature of couplehood does not hurt others because it is rooted in genuine love that is unselfish.  It give us more freedom and more confidence in meeting the needs of others.

But the ambiguity of loving everyone is painful when there are no distinctions. Once, while on errands for the office where I worked, I encountered an unusual number of masculine attentions that day.  It was a combination of the beautiful, multicolored, long skirt Mom had made me, a body hugging knit top, and the fact that I had all the right curves in the right places.  One instance from the day stands out and I have never forgotten it!  A man my age (30) got out of his car at the same time I did in a public parking lot.  He looked at me and said, "Wow, you look great...you have a very lucky husband!"  He could have said, "Hey, Honey, I like what I see!"  But he didn't.  He connected my physical beauty to my husband's good fortune.  I've never forgotten ...and I knew immediately he was in love with someone of his own too...and he showed respect for her and still found a way to compliment me and acknowledge what he saw.  It was in his not taking for himself the ego self-stroking of my youthful beauty, but the honor he showed for my man to whom it belonged.  That man had a lucky woman of his own!

For me, it is such a joy to offer the one I love my exclusive love while still enjoying my friends.  In fact, it is one of the several factors in my decision to return to city life...to be fulfilled, I need lots of people to love and care for.  And they will know of my love for the ONE I hope to love forever.  My eyes will sparkle differently for him.  My smile will be different when I look into his face.  I'll touch him differently, though I hug lots of people.  And when I say "Sweetie" something about it will be unique from the way I say it to the young sales associate at the men's department cologne counter.  Already, I've been told I look happy again.  I share him with everyone I can to show how proud I am of him and so he can have as his friends, my friends.

Exclusivity comes naturally with the bonding love brings to two people.  I recall as a young woman how sad I felt for midlife women who had mates who had forgotten them and tended to flirt with younger women, with obvious disregard to her.  And then there were the husbands who could flirt with young women, and their wives would wink at us that "knowing" between women that she was aware that he was just being sweet to us.  A man's love for his woman can make this distinction without actually speaking it because....

Exclusivity is much of the magic of true love.

Corny though it sounds, I love the feeling I get when someone notices that I love my man and he is different in my eyes, my thoughts, my actions.  And I enjoy so much the security he has in knowing this.  Sometimes I tell him that he should not worry for a moment about my devotion.  He tells me the same.  And when he bends down to my height, and his face and mine are inches apart, and he says the reassuring words, I could just melt like a stage 2 rocket launch!

That's how high it goes!

[Disclaimer:  I enjoyed sharing this bit of my life...but want to assure you that the marriage I speak of had tremendous challenges too...in respect for his memory I will not share many on my blog.  Likewise my man now deserves privacy and rarely do I share about us except in the best light.  It's a great partnership!  But we are real people] 

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