Downsizing for the Sunset

I sit at my computer this morning wishing that the downsizing was over....the new appearance of each room...clean, organized, almost empty, uncluttered with possessions I no longer use.  I'm thinking pretty like a page from Martha's magazine.  I'm thinking how clear my mind will be when there is less of everything.  I'm thinking how easy it will be to clean the house.  

Actually, I've spent the past two years trying to purge many useless things form my life. And it was good.  But downsizing is a bit different, It means that I'll be disposing of things that are still very good; very useful; things I actually love and would keep were I younger.

So, with every box or stack or item on a clothing hanger or folded in a drawer, I have to ask myself just how much I love it.  And I ask myself how easy/hard/possible it is to move it to a new home.  Yes, that's part of downsizing that wasn't in the mix when I just 'purged.'  But it really is the mowing of 2 acres and the upkeep of a house that has required constant upgrading for 6 years that is forcing the issue of downsizing.  Am I really this old?  

Am. I. Really. This. Old?  When did I begin to have to take a day off after I mowed my yard?  Well, I live in the country...my yard isn't level anywhere and there are tracks in the land from all the years of tractors or whatever it was that used to roam my two acres.  It's like riding a nervous bull to hang on to that mean green machine I mow with.  Ride 'em cowboy!

Downsizing is a health exercise for me.  It's an emotional journey.  There are some sorrows (why did I spend money on all this stuff over the years?), and there are lots of joys (I can't wait to see the resulting organized home I'll have!).  It's fun to see everything that has been hiding in drawers, backs of closets, bookshelves, pretty tins and decorative boxes.  What neat surprises I find!  Oh! a lost photograph; an old favorite blouse; sewing machine attachments...things that survived the 'purge' because I thought I was still using them.  How funny it seems now!

There are some truly gut-wrenching matters:  Will I be able to feel secure without owning the ground I stand on?  How does one purchase a house that has previously always taken two incomes?  Can I live in an apartment or townhouse happily without ownership?  Am I too attached to owning/controlling/demanding what my home's old bones do?  What about the secrets they guard?  And the 'power' they give me to always have something of value to cash into if needed?  Is it time to cash it in?

And there is another matter....a very difficult one for an older person.  For the first time in my 69 years, I could really use a $1,500 loan from my bank.  But they say 'no.'  40 years of faithful, paying on time, making several banks money from 4 home mortages; several auto loans; and various credit cards used and paid up regularly....how many thousands of dollars have banks made off my lifestyle?  But once in a lifetime, only once, I've asked them for a personal loan, and they say, 'no.'  The credit score hemmorages following divorce and it recovers and also 'downsizes' several times over 4 years.  I've been maintaining, and pretty well I must add, what it previously took two people to keep up.  And to no avail in regard to bettering myself.

Banks are cold.   

But life is still warm and lovely.

I've made a few very genuine friends here.  Things seem somewhat 'full-circle' in my present circumstance.   Maybe something will interject itself into the equation, but it seems time to move on here.  I desire things not available here...all wrapped up in one word, "opportunity.'  I understand now why this beautiful state shed the "Land of Opportunity" slogan years ago, replacing it with "The Natural State."  And, Oh, how beautiful this natural state really is.  I love riding it's backroads and stopping to take in the beauty...I'm not sure why sunsets are so gorgeous here...but they are!

And that's exactly where i am here...it's my sunset.  I thought, when I was young, it might be glorious, filled with memories shared and scrapbooks filled with photos, and visits from old friends and family and my kids.  It just didn't turn out that way.  This is somewhat a place of isolation.

But it is filled with the love of foster kids and their families.  It's overflowing with memories of classrooms filled with fiesty 4th and 5th graders.  And there are the Christmases where my tree was surrounded by a hundred pretty, wrapped gifts, as I loved being a major part of "Santa" in my family.  You would never have known I was barren by the looks of it!  

So, when one walks toward the sunset of life, where does that path lead?  I never thought past the sweet emotion of the image:  hand-in-hand with the husband of my youth, walking together toward the golden/vermillion colors of the western landscape.  But now I have to wonder, "What's out there?"  No one ever comes back to tell us...no reports from those who themselves disapated into the colors.  It seems the awareness of the sunset days just vaporizes.  I'm breathless, thinking of walking there alone.  Do I have the couirage for this part of life?  (I do have a wonderful gentleman friend who is supportive and is listening and encouraging...I'm truly grateful.)

And why does almost everything in life require 'courage?'  Recently, I've been learning how to stop worrying so much about things.  I read affirmations every day and find them very, very encouraging.  And I read my prayer journal...how wonderful to know that God still speaks to us today.  

I'm not likely to take many steps toward that beautiful vermillion skyline until I have a little more evidence that there's something I want there.  So I move on aggressively with the downsizing of 'things' and responsibilities.  But the house won't sell until some of the secrets are revealed.  I need proof that there is loveliness in the aloneness of a move...that there is peace where I land...that there is ongoing love and affection...that freedom from house upkeep is worth the exchange it requires.

It's been a lovely life so far....but that has demanded a lot of re-defining of a lot of circumstances.  It has required believing that 'everything will be OK.'   That's always something I BELIEVE so easily for everyone else, but not so easily for myself.  And truly, I don't think I"ve ever let anyone down by insisting that their life will 'be ok' in a while.  

May the God of Creation look down upon me and create a lovely sunset place and the path to it.   I'm preparing to receive.