Where's that sunset?

 Pro·mo·tion ...... noun...the action of raising someone to a higher position or rank or the fact of being so raised

It took me by surprise - THE PROMOTION.The suddenness actually took a few months - but in a flash of understanding, it hit me.

For me it was a breakthrough...now I understand that foreign feeling; so unsettling for so many months...something out of place...something disturbingly unattached to me but griping me. It was like one of those dreams....being chased by the adversary and running for my life, but I could hardly move my legs. S.l.o.w m.o.t.i.o.n...it’s going to catch me! Grabbing me from behind, it whispered the truth...

You're growing old.

So, what can one do? I see it in the mirror; I feel it in my joints; I notice the fleeting smiles exchanged by my students when my comments betray my age; and fortunately, I witness it in the "yes ma’am’s" and other expressions of respect from younger (and even middle-aged) adults.

Just dealing with the fact that everything is dropping, drooping, sluggish, and worn...it’s enough to alarm anyone. I belong to the first generation of women who became lawyers, physicians, truckers, construction workers, supreme court judges...we don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. But the Creator designed the body to fail...

...by divine design, I’m failing. 😮

When does the dreaming stop? What about making plans for the future? Thoughts of finishing that masters seems a waste...I never really wanted it. A decade ago I gave up the hope for a child. I would have tried it into my fifties if I’d had that kind of love. Being, by nature, a dreamer - this is hard.

For some reason, a long time ago, I began to pray that God would give me a sweet death - I suppose because of Wayne’s drawn out death, following what appeared to be a miraculous healing. That was hard to take...all of that praying, witnessing, suffering, rejoicing, BELIEVING, and he just died anyway.

In the midst of this deepest of doubting, I still turn to God with hope and ask what to do. (I understand that ‘God bless my unbelief’ thing!) Likewise, in the midst of the highest joys, it is where I turn. For me, turning to Him is a feat of sheer courage. He has never said yes to me. Not one time in regard to deep personal, human need. Not that he hasn’t given me an awesome life! Thank you, Lord. But consistently he says NO to me [Lord please bring Uncle Lee home. (No, bleached bones found in a California desert); Lord, please bring Dad home to us (No, he suddenly remarried...and she hated me); Lord we beseech you for children, 4 would be a joy to us (NO); Well, how about just ONE? (NO - period); Lord, please heal my husband (No, he will honor me through his suffering and faith); Lord, time is running out, p-l-e-a-s-e let the transplant be successful so we can serve you together (YES!, oops, suddenly he died..I guess God really meant NO).

There must be something wrong with the way I ask because I know I ask for good things...things that could bring HIM glory.

So, in spite of my trepidation about taking my heart to God, I turn to his WORD for some guidance. It’s where I’ve always gone. Surely He loves his older daughters too. (Watch out about making assumptions regarding Abraham's Sarah...little trap doors everywhere in that old, beautiful story! Another post maybe)

Actually, we have to face the fact that God does not paint a pretty picture of growing old in his Word. It is bleak looking. And the wisdom of age makes the world worrisome. Though those discouraging descriptions were written before Christ lived and died for us, our hope was unknown to our faith ancestors. The New Testament teachings of love and honor toward one another must make our passage more pleasant and with honor. These teachings are ageless.

This is where I begin to see the light...Go to the Father, where I always find light. Go for myself the way I have gone for others. First I ask forgiveness...for the sins I know and those I don’t...for the sins I commit and the ones I think of and the omission of the good I could do and didn’t. Whew, it’s good to be clean before the throne of God! I go to Him...quietly, slowly I image in my heart and mind the walk, taking careful, cautious steps until I dare not get closer. I wait. Soon, He looks up and motions me toward Himself...I only go a little closer. My requests (rarely for what I want, but for what he wants to say to me) are like little gifts wrapped in pastel colors with curly-cue ribbons...lots of ribbons overflowing. I set them near his feet and back away slowly...completely awed that I got that close. Humbled that He noticed. I’ve never been sure why I image His Presence in this way when the prayer is of imminent importance to someone’s life...but I’ve been here over and over and over again. A new awareness emerges...I’m not sure where He comes from but Jesus appears and He picks up the gifts, one-by-one, and hands them to His Father for me. They both know the requests inside, but for some reason it is important that I give them as presents. All this while, there is a spirit of love and peace and complete serenity which envelops all of us...I assume it to be the Holy Spirit...it swirls and binds us together in some spiritual way...language unnecessary. And I’m not sure when I leave this ‘presence’, but I am suddenly not there any more. The Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit have just celebrated my coming.   W o r d s   f a i l   m e.

I wait...I carry on with life...I know my requests were presented to HIM.

Sometimes, I see the answers develop and sometimes, I don’t. But this time, I will become the answer.

I think of growing older like this... the pretty little promotion gift will be me. It is time for surrendering in a very different way...no more struggling for position or recognition or purpose. I believe an older woman is just to be. I watched two beautiful Christian sisters, Sherryl and Ann, give this surrender to God. And their lives were so very, very vibrant and active and purposeful to the day each died.

And I seek beauty...I want to be beautiful. I know the aging face and figure can be made beautiful by the radiance of a surrendered life. People witnessed it at the hospital when visiting Wayne and me. I have experienced it in the utter aloneness of watching as a beloved husband went, while still alive, with God to a place I could not tag along, I suppose to prepare for the crossing...then coming back again to his hospital bed to be with me a little longer - time and again through the leaving stage. Turning loose, fully surrendering...was the ultimate act of love. Hard, so H A R D....like having flesh torn from the body. Surprisingly, it was Wayne who struggled with this most at the end...he did not want to leave me alone. At the age of 42, he left this world in an ‘old’ body. And I was young and alone and beautiful in my own way; faith the only mirror I could trust as I moved on.

Now, I must do the faithful finish, but alone. It is time for that surrender of youth and the activities thereof. I hope I don’t do it too badly. Without husband or children to support and hold my hand through it, I move one foot in front of the other...I stew privately a little about it. Lord, why do you require that I do this alone? When no one is there to say the intimate things that hold a woman together ("You’re still my beautiful bride."  "I've never loved any one else...just you, Sweetheart," "Oh Mom, you can still work circles around me!" "Hey Mom, remember when...."), there are no memories of deep, intimately wonderful family times or  traditions. There are only the ‘couple’ memories...the first kiss, the first making love, the first home, the first jobs, and on to ‘death did us part.’ I move on to receive what is coming...alone.

So, Father-God, I loose it...the youth of my life. Fill me with your spirit in new and joyful ways. I discharge the cords that tied me to the desires of my youth...especially all the ones you chose not to fulfill...the deep questioning of Your many decisions to withhold from me is replaced by the quick drawing of breath - that becomes a long sigh of resignation...Your Will; not mine. There was a purpose for all of my life in You.  I will not drag the pains of what you withheld into the beauty of a setting sun. I’m almost 69, and no matter how ‘young’ that might be in my era - it is a distinction of passage...

I have been promoted. May I wear it well and be beautiful, performing with perfect joy and poise, and clothed in the glow of a slowly setting sun.

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To the fallen humanity..."I am God, the only God you’ve had or ever will have – incomparable, irreplaceable – from the very beginning telling you what the ending will be, all along letting you in on what is going to happen, assuring you, ‘I’m in this for the long haul, I’ll do exactly what I set out to do,’" Isaiah 46

And to the barren woman..."‘I left you, but only for a moment. Now, with enormous compassion, I’m bringing you back...It’s with lasting love that I’m tenderly caring for you....My love won’t walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won’t fall apart.’ The God who has compassion on you says so." Isaiah 54

All scripture from THE Message translation